Nobody's Perfik

      When WWII took us the final step from an agricultural society into an industrial one, leisure time became available to families everywhere. Nowadays, unemployment gives us lots of leisure time.  Camps, parks and recreation programs, and Little League help us meet the needs to fill that time.

      With all this going on, one Mortimer Gump, of Colts Mane, NJ, (it’s right next to Colt’s Neck) emerged from his basement workshop with his masterpiece, a giant inflatable beer bottle.  It took him four days before he discovered that deflating it was necessary to get it up the stairs and out the door.  He soon followed that up with life-sized inflatable dinosaurs.  His wife and kids promptly changed their names and moved away. Undaunted, he mused, “Where to use these wonderful new inventions?” 

     The answer appeared in an ephemeral haze from the neon lights of the Ferris wheel overlooking the Point Pleasant boardwalk.     �
     Summerfests were created.  And now every town seems to have one.  We have the Levittown Cookie Cutter Days, The U.P. Wood Tick Festival, Taste of Calumet City and Carp Boil and many others. Of course, Tulip Time is exempt from this critique because it is not one of those cut and paste events that is randomly dropped into a community.

     In this age of recycling, nostalgia acts from the edges of show business have found new life as they are being brought to our towns and cities.  Risers, borrowed from the schools are fitted to form a stage where one can see Chubby Checker lean his walker aside and do his Twist one more time.  “Edna, you can hardly tell he has an artificial hip…who IS his orthopedic man?” 

     People seem to love the idea of blocking off streets and paying outrageous prices for hot dogs and fries sold along an instant midway mere blocks from their own homes.  The puritan roots of our culture wane and our baser senses make us think it is fun to swill beer in the middle of a downtown street.  To help us behave ourselves, police auxiliary uniforms are distributed to every cop wannabe.    

     A big portable sign arches across the entrance announcing the presence of “Amusements”.   Carnival rides and games of chance are set up in the parking lot and run by people who didn’t eat their vegetables and never did their homework.

     But now we have come to the time and place where this genre needs to be taken one step further.  Not every community finds pleasure in these small town events.  Not every community delights in seeing faded rock and rollers or slugging down a Blatz in the middle of Main Street.  Some communities fancy themselves as a bit more special, and “above it all”.

     For this reason a new venture has been formed; “Sophisticated Summerfests, Inc.“  For a nominal fee, this company will come to your town and provide the following:

     Food enclaves; salads, bean sprouts, sushi, watercress sandwiches, and tofu for you. Beverage fountains offering Evian, Perrier, Energy Drinks, vegetable juices, cappuccino and frapacino. Center stage, hosted by Dick Cavett, will introduce acts such as; a Tony Randall impersonator singing “Winchester Cathedral”, The Emeril Epicurean Experience, panel discussions on British literature, The Frenchtown Sidewalk Ballet  (touring ensemble), The internationally renowned precision marching cellists from the Muscatel, Iowa Sim-fonic Orchestra, and for sports fans, the traveling exhibit titled “Ted Williams’ Head on Ice”

     Bemusement rides and games are brought in; including the ever-popular limerick activated water ride (sprays of spritzer are misted over you if your limerick is not bemusing enough), the Hall of Puns, and High Tea served in a Victorian carriage.

     Which will be the first of our local communities to upscale their summers?