Nobody's Perfik

Summer road trips are mostly an American experience. Now that we are “empty nesters” road trips are a bit easier than when we were raising kids yet they still bring about challenges as well as revelations. Here are a few reflections about one of our most recent road trips. 

Strongest bladder of the trip – I exceeded my previous personal best of 4.25 hours and 267 miles of bumpy, pounding highway before having to stop mainly because the whimpering pleas of my companion.  I barely made it into the Oasis without major embarrassment. 

Best motel found (finally!) – Microtel chain.  Excellent Euro design, quality where it counts, clean, fresh and lacks that distinctive fake air freshener smell that permeates so many sticky old motel chains.

Best food chain – Kelsey’s in Ontario – a sports-bar motif but has quiet places…good service and fresh food.

Worst Motel – The Dunn-Inn with their signature coat of stickyness on all surfaces (included at no extra charge), the chalk outline of a body on the greasy carpeting of our room which was beneath that of a touring troupe of Flamenco Dancers who relentlessly practiced until 3:48 a.m.

Best breakfast joint – Leonard’s Cherry Knoll in Burke, NY.  All homemade food, locals eat there, reasonable prices, good service from a lovely young waitress, in her French cut T-shirt (be careful here, old guy) who also sported good teeth and a beautiful tan – both unique to the area.

Biggest changes at old stomping grounds – it just doesn’t seem right that after a 44 year absence, a tour revealed changes at our old alma-mater.  How dare they?  The (now called) College of New Jersey is virtually unrecognizable from the charming small college that existed there only a um…a…(gulp!) half century ago. We’re still the same (except for our walkers, limps and added girth, grey and age spots) but everything else is changing so fast!

We returned to the virtual scene of the crime – Decker Hall – where fate placed us next to one another in the fall of 1966 waiting for the dining room to open.  The killer pickup line of, “Waddya think of Stratemeyer?” (Kiddie Lit. Prof.) was only used once but it succeeded and led to a (so far) 43 year marriage. 

Decker Hall has changed – fancier outside and inside (just like us).  The fateful stairwell of our meeting is gone now but so are her ovaries and my ability to fertilize them. Such is life!

Best community of friends of the trip – Coplay, PA where a group of seniors gathers in an upstairs dining room of a local restaurant each week for a cold brew, live Volksmusik, good food and fellowship.

Biggest unexpected outlay of cash – Pennsylvania Turnpike required a total of $29.29 to cross from Ohio to NJ.  Who came up with that weird amount?

Best cleavage of the trip – a tanned whiplash-inducing bimbette at the Quizno’s rest stop in upstate NY.  “Umm…Umm Toasty!” But that is only one old lecher’s opinion.

Worst food of the trip – A greasy sandwich at Quiznos but I hardly noticed it until 76 miles later later. “Umm…Umm…Pfffft!”

Noisiest souvenir purchased – An Irish drum (Bodhran) at the Celtic Fest in Lakewood, NJ.

Best sign of hope – The reclaiming of the seashore boardwalk with new development in Asbury Park, NJ.  Fine restaurants are coming and the decrepit buildings are either being restored or torn down.

After decades of corruption, social, cultural and economic inequalities, there is a seemingly good match-up of folks who share a common bond in oppression and rejection.  African-American and gay and lesbian investors are reinventing the area after all the neglect and squalor.   

Worst traffic/Stupidest driver – The Toronto area has 2,000,000 residents – an estimated 2/3 the total population of Canada – and no matter what time of day or what day of the week, they are all out in their cars on highway 401.  There are some twenty lanes of controlled access highway in each direction and it is crowded.  At 3 p.m. on Sunday afternoon it was stop-and-go from 15 miles east of the city to 5 miles west of the city – except for the one road rage motorcyclist with a death wish who weaved through and in-between the lines of traffic at an estimated 120 kph just before he was pulled over and “counseled” by Sgt. Preston and King.

Sloppiest ice cream waffle cone – The Cone Zone in Belmar, NJ as demonstrated by grand-niece, Cassidy.

Best smells of the trip – searing nitrates at the Blue Claws’ MegaCorp ballpark in Lakewood, NJ wafted through the air as hot dogs sizzled on the grill. 

Coolest U.S. Border Guard – Port Huron, MI who was highly interested in the empty eggshells we brought back from NY via Canada.  Regarding the origin of the eggshells, he took our word for it and ignored the excessive bottles of beverage we purchased at the duty-free store.

Most awkward fit of the trip – we attend two Roman Catholic masses and, as many Protestants often do, we watch the others so we can “blend in”.  We stand up or sit down when all the others do and whisper our own extended ending to the Lord’s Prayer after they are all done with theirs.  Many words of the liturgy were familiar but the tunes were different and they were hard to dance to.

Structured, dignified, respectful….Father O’Grady presiding – makes one visitor yearn for the ol’-time religion of the good Reverend Lowen B. Hold back in the church of the Old Rugged Cross.

Best celebrity of the trip – Grandson, Jacob, who wowed the commencement exercises of Seton Catholic HS in Plattsburgh with his collection of awards and humility.

Proudest moment of the trip – see above.

Greatest relief of the trip – pulling into our driveway and turning off the engine.  Home again!